WARNING: – this is a bit of a personal one (may cause boredom!)
Ok, well, this may be a bit like my mind at the moment – a bit bitty/all over the place – so in the words of Taylor Swift ‘don’t say I didn’t warn you!’
It’s been a weird sort of day (again!) with some positives and some negatives which has resulted in me feeling rather helpless at times, hopeful at others and insightful/mindless in combination too….
Positives have been seeing friends and family. I got given an amazing amount of support and also reasons to smile/get away from the monotony of my often mindless routine existence, time with lovely people and insight too. Plus an amazing gift off an equally amazing friend whom I feel lucky to have (both the friend and gift). It made me aware of my values and how often I forget to follow them, largely due to ‘needing’ to please my ‘ed’ thoughts. Spending time with others is VIP, caring for others is VIP, being out in sunshine is VIP, Feeling loved is VIP, other success/talents are VIP…these are just a few…I should/could add ‘VIP to me’ after each, which is another point. I did a bit of my current cross stitch WIP for SOS today and it explores my values/what I enjoy – every motif I put on there is of something personal to me, which means it is unique and you, the reader, may look at it and not feel the relevance, but that is the beauty/oddness or individuality I guess! I digress, But doing this, and spending time how I did today and doing my ‘HOMEWORK’ for my therapy session tomorrow (slapped wrists for tardiness!) made me realise how little time, often, I do respect and value both my opinions/values, myself and others. Not to mention my body/future/ relationships. How often I go ‘through the motions’ mindlesslessly as opposed to thinking about my actions or the reasoning behind them. Possibly I’m not alone in this….??? But it occurred to me how relevant the expression ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ is as I admit I spend a lot of my time comparing downwardly to others and feeling inferior depressed (facebook is a classic tool for this – like people are really going to post pictures of unhappiness as opposed to the things they want to show off like successes/holidays/achievements….ok sometimes they do, but overwhelmingly its ‘good stuff’ I feel. even if, at the time I can’t acknowledge this and just end up feeling inferior/like imp missing out)
I also received an email off a brilliant website – http://www.goodnet.org/articles/21-ideas-for-finding-your-passion-in-life?utm_source=goodnet_newsletter&utm_medium=more_on_goodnet_content&utm_campaign=goodnet_newsletter – again some of which I can relate to others which leave me ‘blank’
And I listened to a fab podcast http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b046kwvq which certainly raised a lot of ideas for me
Three very different people come together to discuss the experience of mental breakdown, starting with the moment they realised what was happening.
Producer: Maggie Ayre.”
It gave me things to think about and potential actions to take, it made me realise how many things I could be doing with my time as opposed to listening to the demonic voice in my head which often guides/controls me. It made me realise mental health stigma is still a big issue so SOS is still relevant (phew!) and increased my drive to spread awareness to people and get people not just SHOUTING OUT, SPEAKING OUT – BUT STITCHING OUT their stigma…. whether I will be strong willed enough to be strict with myself and follow these ‘ideas’, only time shall tell….but, as my dad said wisely today, its only me who can make these changes ultimately….scary thought…!!
Another interesting thing was how I responded to some things today:-
Hearing others success/diets – made me envious and proud but increased my sense of being a useless individual with no reason to live 😦
Seeing others made me realise everyone has different goals and complexes and talents
Hearing a few comments “You’re looking better today that a couple of weeks ago” (I HATE the ‘you look well connotation sorry!!!) made me feel judged for ‘being lazy by not functioning (aka not being in work), feel panicked at the fact ‘but I’m not well am I? I don’t feel well” and question/chastise myself for even considering I might not be ‘well’…..
“ARENT YOU BOILING HOT” (its like 20+ here and I’m in winter coat, scarf, thermal leggings, gloves, hat…and clothes obv! lol ) made me realise how much I’m missing out on the nice weather/clothes and how stupid I must look
I have also felt very guilty for wasting others time, wasting my life and missing out, yet also for eating too much and being underactive/questioning or simply trying to ‘act opposite’ from the ED….
so yes – it’s been one of those days – now I guess all that is left to do is sleep and wake up tomorrow hoping it is more positive…I hope everyone’s day is positive too 🙂
Best wishes, Nat 🙂
actually on a final note – my calendar – it tells me today is ‘treat your body like a temple day’ and I immediately thought ‘temple of doom’ which shows my SOH is still there (Still bad albeit) but that I also miss my SOH and don’t respect my body…well done calendar! Loll next year I shall have to get same one if it provokes positive reflection on self….!!!