Do you ever get that sinking feeling that you’re ‘not doing enough’ or that your efforts, when you do, aren’t ‘good enough’ ? Or, on a wider scale, that you aren’t ‘good enough’ or aren’t ‘enough’?
To paraphrase my lovely cousins who got married yesterday “I DO!”
On a side, the wedding was beautiful – the guests, the bride, the groom, the venue, the service – everything was perfect and I sincerely hope their future is filled with much happiness, joy and good times. I felt privileged to be a small part of their day and it was a lovely chance to ‘catch up’ with people and practice some under used ‘social skills’. But, again, I felt inferior to everyone else, you always face ‘those questions’ – “what are you up to now?” “where are you working/living?” “how are you?” “where’s the boyfriend?” – Well, as someone who is nearly 30, living at home AGAIN, unemployed AGAIN, just out of hospital AGAIN, Alone AGAIN….its pretty depressing. It was lovely to see people, and don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed with a fab family BUT its how I FEEL and I felt inferior (especially in regards to my beautiful, intelligent, talented, often younger, sociable, loved up and elegant – family members).
I guess that occasion was just another ‘demonstration’ of how I feel, another ‘stick with which I can beat myself with’. If my mind is ‘In that mode’, then I will find anything to confirm it, sadly. It simply represents how I feel, which, at this point in my life, with my circumstances (however self inflicted/self perpetuated a lot of them are), are not very ‘TEAM NAT’…
HOWEVER = to look for the positives – I am lucky to have a lovely family, to be included in lovely events, for it to be lovely sunshine and to have the lovely memories (and chance to ‘glam up’)…
Im glad to be ‘feeling productive’ eventually this weekend as I do struggle with feeling ‘unproductive’ and never ‘completing a ‘to do’ list, simply adding to it… But I need to remember, I cant do it all, sometimes I need to ask for help or just accept my efforts, or leave it till another day or lower my standards on some things – its ok….its ok…Its ok.
Its a learning curve for me, and perhaps others can relate to it?
In relation to SOS, I feel I could’ve done a lot more, I feel I should’ve, I feel maybe ive taken on too much…BUT that’s where YOU guys have come in and been brilliant – so thank you! I hope no one else is feeling that their participation in this project is ‘stressful’ or a ‘stick to beat themselves with’. I can truthfully say, from my perspective EVERYONE is a big part of this project and, like a lot of things, each part will hopefully make up an (awesome) whole! 🙂